The problem is, the help is already there, you are just too lazy too look for it when directed to it. People are more than willing to help around here, but they aren't going to do all the legwork for you. Search the forums, and the archives for what you are looking for, its there, trust me. The FAQ is also an excellent place to start, since you obviously have a lot of ground to make up.
And for the record, if you keep causing trouble on the forum, and/or continue sending me the crap in my email that you have, I WILL re-ban you in a heartbeat with no further warning. ie, this post gets you that much closer to the ban button.